I woke up one morn,
And in the mirror, viewed
A visage unknown!
But vaguely familiar,
Perplexed yet pleased I stare
And then a voice, I hear
That murmurs, “It is of the girls you see
every morning, in your dreams!”
I recognized the face, smiling just as I did, with glee.
---------Shosha Mitter.
Drivel! I nodded my head disapprovingly as I read my verses. “Its so hackneyed. Its downright silly, actually!” I told myself and re-read my poetastry. But it pretty much expressed how I was feeling at that moment. The moment was, to be precise, 6 pm of August 6 and I was in a class, attending a lecture on Edmund Burke’s Reflections on the French Revolution. I could see myself, with the eyes of my mind, as a vociferous French radical vociferously criticizing the Englishman’s highly conservative perspective on the Revolution. I saw myself in a Paris tavern surrounded by people also castigating Burke for denouncing the Revolution as sort of an upstart and I suddenly noticed that all these people around me were women, and women I knew well. They were, as a matter of fact, my friends-Sonu, Swathi, Sita, Koyel.
In April 2010, when I left the Tata Institute of Social Sciences, our dear, old TISS, and returned home, I was terribly upset. Obviously. I could not reconcile myself to the idea that never again in the future ahead, would I get to stay with those people again for long. I missed the comforting ambience that their company created and the soothing sounds of their voices in conversation.
Four months have passed and my sense of loss has allayed. Of course. I no longer wish that Swathi was around when I am introspecting or doing Yoga. I don’t anymore miss Sita when I am snacking at mid-night and philosophizing. I no longer hope Sonu was there with me whenever am feeling wretchedly depressed. I don’t mind anymore that I do not have anyone with whom I can discuss my oldest and most cherished ambition to become a wordsmith, with as much élan and abandon as I did with Koyel.
I had reconciled to the idea that they will be together again forever, smiling as eternally as sunshine, only in the snapshot in my mind.
But then that image of the French tavern crossed my mind and I suddenly realized that something has changed in me,changed perhaps forever. I no longer hesitate in expressing my views on issues of politics, caste, gender with confidence. I don’t any longer blame myself entirely every time some unexpected tragedy befalls. I know have learnt to share credits with adverse circumstances.That is so because unconsciously, I have tried to adopt the carefree cheerfulness of Sonu, I realized. I still cannot laugh in the infectious manner in which she did or spread joy with her magnanimity. But I am, undoubtedly, jollier.
I have, again unconsciously, become less apologetic about my idiosyncrasies. Whether it has happened for better or for worse, I do not know yet but I am now more nonchalant towards those who perhaps are critical of my eccentricities, just as Apurva used to be. Undoubtedly, I can never match her level of sophisticated insouciance but I certainly have learnt to enjoy my quirkiness just as she does hers.
There is another thing which I have learnt-its not enough to be sensitive towards others; its not enough to sympathize with someone in agony. Sympathies amount to nothing more than pity unless they are backed by the desire to convey to others nothing is sacrosanct or beyond scrutiny. Everything-customs, mores, institutions-all ought to be questioned and this much cherished discovery of my life happened not so much because of the umpteen books which I have read that advocate the importance of being inquisitive as much because of Sita. I never realized until now that she is the one of the first practitioner of metaphysics i know in person and whom I am trying to emulate.
Resilience evokes respect and it can be expressed simply by doing as little as to assert one’s views, even if laconically. I, perhaps, always knew it but never believed I could ever cease to enjoy the state of lazy confusion until now. It is now that I have realized there is a beauty not only the hazy, cloudy firmament of perplexity but also in the bright sunshine which comes with clarity of thoughts and aims. And who has enabled me to see this immaculately blue azure over my head? It is Koyel. Without me realizing it myself, I have become determined about everything I feel is worth pursuing. It would be long before I come to possess the ineffable strength of Koyel but that I have started trying, I did not even grasp it until now.
Probably, I am only imagining it and what I perceive as changes in me are only the formulations of my hyper-imaginative and perpetually idealizing mind. Perhaps, I need to more pragmatically figure out if I have actually inculcated more optimism, more sang-froid, more intellectual sensitivity and more ardour to pursue-eeks! this is such a cliché-my goals. Perhaps, am still the muddle-headed, maudlin girl i used to be. But I certainly have learnt to understand the warmth in relationships, the sublimity in sacrifices made for friends and the ‘beauty in being different’; I have surely learnt to appreciate the quaint charm of the qualities which my friends possess and that has been because of Swathi. She hated it every time I told her that she is the most mature amongst all our friends but now when unintentionally I try to be understanding, kind or as winsome as she was, I feel vindicated. She is, indeed, the most mature and never mind whether I can ever have her pragmatism or not but I can at least endeavour. Koyel is a lot like Swathi and Swathi is a lot similar to Sonu while Sita and Apurva are alike in many ways. Yet they are all different. And the best or the worst part is that some trait or the other of these people are struck in my head. Or should I say, in my subconscious, subtly and imperceptibly changing the architecture of the labyrinth in my mind! And it here that the story begins!
